In-laws

So I have kind of exciting news. I got the time off I requested for Christmas time! It's pretty exciting actually because even though I'm not 100% stoked about going to Utah I didn't want to spend Christmas away from Dj. Even though we were pretty sure that I would get the time off I was already trying to hammer out the plan if for some reason I didn't get it. My brain was like okay, "I can do Christmas alone, it's alright, it's just another day, Dj and I can celebrate it later when he gets home and that will be our Christmas." Not to say I don't think Christmas isn't an important day, but because of my Dad always having to work on Holidays when I was older I've come to understand that it isn't the day itself that is important but it's the reason you are celebrating and the people you are with.
So here I was, telling Dj that okay, you can drive out with your Uncle like we had originally planned and you guys can just come back a little earlier, if we can afford it I'll fly out Friday night after work and fly back home Monday morning so I can be back in time for work on Tuesday morning. (If you know anything about my spazzy side (which not many do) it's that I'm one of those people who kind of plan for the worst so I try and consider the options and make them ahead of time so that if things don't work out I'm not too disappointed. It's good sometimes. Other times it just causes me unnecessary worry.) If we can't afford it it's alright, I'll be fine, talk to you every day on the phone and I'll just find things to occupy my time. It's funny, I had prepared so well for it that I'm almost like, "What? I actually get to spend Christmas day with my husband?!"
Now don't think that Dj is a bad husband or anything, every time I mentioned him driving out and me not being able to fly out he said no, no, no. But honestly, I kind of feel a lot of pressure to make sure that Dj is in Utah for the holidays this year because it's going to be the first time that the Waldrons (which consist of Dj, his parents and siblings, his dad's siblings and parents, and me I guess (though I'm sure I'm probably a little bit of an afterthought sadly)) would be together for Christmas in years. My main reason for fighting Dj so hard on making sure he went, even without me, was because I don't want any other reason for his family to think negatively of the girl who stole their first born away from them. Along with the fact that if Dj doesn't drive with Grant his uncle, Grant wouldn't be able to go....more pressure? yeah....
It's kind of weird that I think these things about my in-laws too. It's not that they have been mean to me or anything like that. Well his sister is rude to everyone and I think because I'm trying so hard to 'fit in' I take it personally and it kind of hurts. But I know that they like me (hope at least right?) they're nice and they're interested in my job and my parents and stuff. I think though that because I remember how 'against' marriage they were (not marriage to me in particular) but for Dj, they really just wanted him to finish school before getting married and I hear the things they say about having kids before he's done and I feel like if we decide to have kids sooner than that they aren't going to be happy for us and they might say something like "told you so".
(My in-laws really aren't horrible I promise! I just need to express how I feel a little bit because I've been thinking about it a lot lately.)
And even though we haven't had a lot of time to spend time with them but the times that I have spent time with more than just his uncle or parents, I feel very alone. The Twidwells are quiet, kinda subdued, and really kind of just relaxed about things "what do you guys want to do? I don't know what do you guys want to do?" kind of thing. And Waldrons are boisterous, opinionated, and kind of rude to each other in a family way. I feel like I get lost in the shuffle because they have to be louder than each other and faster, kind of like a fend-for-yourself, weakest gets left behind kind of thing.

I know a lot of my anxiety comes from the general anxiousness I feel in new situations and the fact that I've never really been in the situation of being thrust into a family before. My cousins and their families? I'm blood and I've known them all for years and years. Friends? Well you naturally gravitate to people you share interests with and those who you wouldn't mesh well with you all kind of go your separate ways without too much whatever and that's it. I'm nervous to spend Christmas in a house full of people I'm not entirely comfortable around. I'm nervous to tell them that I have to cut the planned two weeks of Christmas time with everyone down a bit so I can get back to work. And frankly I'm nervous that his sister might just shoot me in one of her rages. Yeah, I feel safer around my alcoholic, drug addicted, could kill me with his left hand, known to be a little violent at times, brother....hmmm....I think I just scared myself even more....

Anyways, if you're still reading this, thanks for listening to me vent, sometimes I really just feel like I need to get things out and now that I've discovered this blog thing it's nice to be able to do that.